Dr. Ashley, Google MD

I've come a long way in overcoming my phobia of doctor visits. Unlike most people with this condition, I don't have a fear of needles and I don't get nauseous at the sight of blood. It's just that I can't handle talking about anything that goes on in the body or anything that might go wrong with it. I'm not sure when this started, but it might've been when I had my first physical at 13. That's when the old lady doctor demonstrated how I could start checking for lumps. At that age, the thought of checking for breast cancer before I even had boobs seemed absurd and I felt violated more than anything else. I successfully avoided the doctor from then on, getting any necessary sport physicals at the urgent care where all they had to do was take my blood pressure and check my reflexes.

When I grew up and faced the doctor again I had a few episodes. One time I became so faintish that they had to bring me orange juice and have an extra nurse in the room just to hold my hand. Two years later, I actually did pass out. Sadly, you'd think it was because I was just told I had to have open heart surgery or a leg amputated or something. But no. No, I was just sitting there while the doctor was telling me how they were going to do a routine check of my cholesterol next. And I eat oatmeal, so this wasn't even something I had ANY concern about! Yet, I immediately started to perspire...vision blurred...ears rang. I tried to tough it, but still passed out walking from the exam room to the nurse who had to give me a prick.

My new theory has been to research before I go to the doctor so I am prepared for what they might say or do. Unfortunately, this theory has gotten me no where...except to learn that Google is NOT my friend. It's only lead me to medical sites that tell me I should see a doctor "immediately" because I could have "serious condition." Last year, when my glands were as big as two golfballs in my neck, I searched "swollen glands" and found that they could be an indication of lymphoma, cancer, hyperthyroidism, or at the very least strep throat. I went to the doctor courageous, prepared for any news. They took some tests and found.....drum roll....nothing wrong with me! Nothing. Just some really bad swollen glands that ended up going away a few days later. Shortly after that, I was convinced my lower back pain meant I had kidney disease and returned to the doctor nearly three times before I was satisfied with their answer that everything was just fine with me.

More recently, I did it again. I googled some minor symptoms and went to the doctor, basically, of course, to tell him what I had already self-diagnosed. I told him I had googled my symptoms and read on several medical sites what this probably indicated and I just wanted to nip it in the bud. I even told him for what type of medicine I needed a prescription! What a perfect patient! I could tell he was holding back laughter as he told me it was probably "nothing" and that I seemed healthy. And I'm quite certain he rolled his eyes at me on my way out the door---silly patient trying to outsmart the doctor with her google knowledge.

For a self-employed girl without insurance, my hypochondria is sure getting expensive.