I'm a Handyman Whore

My brother and sister in-law gave me a "Do-It-Herself Guide to Fixing Almost Anything in the Home" book for a housewarming gift. While this was a great idea for a young, single woman homeowner, this book has been collecting dust on the top shelf in my closet. In my opinion, the book only needs to be one page and should say, "Call up handy friend/ boyfriend/dad/brother. Ask them to help you."

As much as I try to be a "do-it myself" kind of woman...I'm just not. I have on many occasions, taken out my big yellow toolbox and looked at the witchits and gadgets and pushed tools around pretending like I know what I'm looking for. It's filled with screws and nails and thingamagiggies, but I just don't know what is supposed to be used for what! When do you use a mollybolt and how do you know when to use a screw over a nail? Are they supposed to go into the drywall or are you supposed to nail into a stud?

Dad has come in handy a lot...last summer he helped me move, hooked up my tv, and rescued me when I got a flat tire on a 99 degree day all in about one weeks time. Of course all of this happened during a brief period when I was single, so Dad politely told me after all of this, "You need to get a new boyfriend to do all this stuff." I also promised brother in-law, Big J, a couple of years ago that my new boyfriend owes him "big time" after I got a flat tire in -10 degrees about 3 days after I broke up with a boyfriend. What timing!

The on-going problem in my condo is that my closet rack keeps collapsing. Here is the sequence of events:

July 1, 2005: Closet rack installed by Dad
Late July 2005: Closet rack collapses. Current boyfriend as of July 2005 (we'll call him "J")repairs. I actually ask him to do this on our 4th date. I cook him a sophisticated dinner of Rice-a-Roni, chicken on the George Forman grill, and salad out of a Dole bag in exchange for his services.
September 2005: Closet rack collapses again and "J" now lives far, far away. Time for a professional. I ask the cute, young handyman who does work in my building to help me this time. He installs another hook thingy in the closet and this seems to work until...
April 2006: I come home from vacation to find the rack collapsed again. Conveniently, I am single again. I call up Guy friend #1, who seems all too eager to help newly single Ashley fix the closet in her bedroom. I greet him at the door and preface his entrance by telling him that I am allowing him into my bedroom to FIX MY CLOSET ONLY! No funny business. He concedes and when he finishes, I give him a pat on the back and a Corona.
June 2006: Yep, closet collapses again! I send email to current date as of June 2006 (we'll call him "W") at work and casually mention my closet. He responds to my email, but fails to respond to the part about the closet. Maybe "W" isn't so handy!

I send a text message to Guy friend #1: My closet collapsed again!
Guy friend #1's response: bummer!
My text: I have Corona in my fridge!
No text back from #1. Guess my payment of a Corona wasn't good enough for him.

Ask handy Guy friend #2 for his help, who coincidentally just moved into my building. He is willing to help, but is on his way out of town and can't help until next week. So he takes a look at it and advises me on what I need to do to fix it. Thanks #2.

Yesterday I came to terms with the fact that if this is going to get done, I'm just going to have to do it myself. So I make a trip to the hardware store. While I am there, I remember that I need to buy an allen wrench in order to rotate my rollerblade wheels. Who knew there were about 58 different sizes of allen wrenches? Guy friend #3 had rotated my wheels last time with his set of wrenches, so I gave him a call from the store.

Me: Guy friend #3, I'm at the hardware store. What size allen wrench did you use to rotate my wheels last time?

#3: I don't know. Why don't you just have me do it again?

Me: Because I don't want to have to call you every time I need to have it done, #3!

#3: Okay, why don't I just come over and do it for you and I'll leave the right size one with you so you'll have it for next time.

Me: Okay. Also, my closet fell and I need some hook things and some plastic screw things and bolts and stuff...do you know what size I should buy of them to make it stay?

#3: [Sigh] Ash....I'll bring over my whole toolbox.

And an hour later my blades were rotated and my closet was fixed. It was #3 who gave me the best advice of all. "I think it might be time to bring some clothes to Goodwill. It keeps collapsing 'cause you have too many clothes on it!"

Let's count 'em shall we? Were you able to keep track? In the last 11 months, I've had 1, 2, 3, 4...5 men do work on the same damn closet rack! And that's not counting the others I had look at it or ask if they could help. Am I a handyman whore? Can't I just find one trustworthy handy-man who knows what he's doing?

Maybe I do need to dust off that book afterall...